I’m trying to hold onto my faith. 

I really am.

But I can’t deny what I’m seeing, I can’t deny what I’m feeling.

 

I used to look forward to church, like a cozy spiritual blanket. I found community, purpose, solitude, and the presence of the sacred. But now, it feels so dirty, empty, contrived, and plastered with privilege. I can’t even breathe at the thought of ever returning.

 

I’m trying to hold onto my faith, I really am.

 

I used to sing the worship songs with such purity and freedom, but now I cringe every time I hear them, like anthems of a cult. It’s hard to separate the melodies from the self-righteousness that now rings within them.

I used to read the Bible, without fear or an agenda. I would hear what I needed to hear without even a thought of weaponizing it. But now, it’s so black and white, right or wrong, in or out. The stuff of narcissists, control freaks, swindlers, and brainwashers. If God was ever in it, He certainly isn’t now.

 

I’m trying to hold onto my faith, but it isn’t easy.

 

I used to serve alongside you, like friends on a mission to love the world. But now, it seems you just want to change me, control me, and make me just like you. It’s like I’m not even a person, just a project, a notch on your belt.

Now, the only thing I have left is Jesus, and you make Him so creepy. I’m constantly having to pull Him free in my mind from all the unloving things you’ve made of Him. 

 

I’m trying to hold onto my faith.

I promise. I really am.

 

But it seems the more I let go, the further I walk away, the more I think for myself and feel from my soul, the more loving, caring, compassionate, humane, at peace, and Christ-like I actually become.

I thought I was following, I thought I was loving, but I actually wasn’t following or loving at all.  Just empty.

I’m sorry, I just can’t do it anymore. No more faking, no more conforming, no more judging, no more hating. 

 

I’m not sure what you’re holding onto, but I’m letting go.

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Grace is brave. Be brave.

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Check out Chris’ latest book, Stupid Shit Heard In Church available on Amazon (link below)…

What people are saying:

“After reading just a few chapters, I had to schedule an appointment with my therapist, it’s that good.”

“This book is changing  the world.”

“Profound, life-changing; that says it all!”