I was a conservative Evangelical pastor of 20+ years.
Racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, Republican, hell-preaching, bible-weaponizing, hateful, and hurtful; that was me.
Until I came to a moment of suicide.
It all started with my collision with honesty. An honesty that wrecked me. Coming forth from within, it forced me to realize and admit that the conservative Evangelical faith simply doesn’t work. Not even close. Everything that I had devoted my life to revealed itself to be a scheme. I had memorized the Scriptures, prayed the right formulas, and performed all the to-do steps. Yet, faced with the Light of truth breaking free from within me, I was confronted with the reality that nothing in my life had become any better, only worse. My faith was a fraud. Fake, empty, and cruel. I had become a monster far removed from the example of Jesus.
At the height of those moments of devastating inner clarity, I told my wife to find a better husband and my children a better father. I was a broken down man. Beat to the pulp of my very core. Death, seeming to be the only way out. It was a darkness beyond darkness.
There was much that was uncertain back then, but I can certainly tell you this now, not a single “deconstruction” sage, book, or conference could have talked me off the ledge upon which I was standing. “Deconstruction” could never have rescued me, nor turned back my desire for the ending of me. It could never have given me a new beginning from what I thought was an inescapable tragedy.
And so, I’m here; alive, changed, progressive, affirming, inclusive, and empowered. But not by “deconstruction,” but rather by something far greater.
Please hear me well. I deeply love all my “deconstruction” friends. I love all “deconstruction” people, and I desire no conflict with you. We are all taking a journey of faith. Furthermore, I’m not writing to condemn “deconstruction” or those whose lives have benefited from it. I’m just telling my story, the lessons I’m learning, and what I’m discerning.
In reality, I have never been an intentional part of the “deconstruction” movement, though perhaps many would say that my writing has played a significant role in their “deconstruction.”
For that, I am truly honored and appreciative.
Yet, though I have no desire whatsoever to disconnect with anybody, I find it necessary to “walk away from deconstruction” in the sense that my path is increasingly moving in a different direction from what I see “deconstruction” increasingly becoming. And, here’s why.
First, in truth, there’s no such thing as “deconstruction.”
This is what I’m learning and this is what I’m discerning.
This whole faith “deconstruction” thing, it really isn’t about deconstructing at all.
In fact, there is no such thing as “deconstruction.” White, conservative Evangelicalism has already deconstructed all of us. There’s nothing left to deconstruct.
Piece by piece, they’ve taken all that was already holy, pure, beautiful, and divinely created about you and I and smashed into pieces.
We were perfect from the beginning, affirmed by the Universe, innocent from eternity. There was nothing wrong with us, yet they whispered such accusations into our ears and we believed them. And not just believed them, we believed them all the way
We bit the apple. Sucked in by the tractor beams of the white, conservative Evangelical Death Star. With Jesus as the hood ornament of their world bulldozer, they plowed over all that is good and of God with lies, manipulation, shame, guilt, and fear.
Seduced by their evil wizardry, we became less than human. Haters, judgers, bullies, and fakes. Nothing like Jesus.
See, we don’t deconstruct, we are the deconstructed.
They told us that we’re depraved, an evil blemish at birth.
They told us that we’re lost sinners in need of the salvation of a fire-breathing God who would joyfully drop-kick us into hell if we don’t repent in all the conservative Evangelical ways.
They told us that we’re not good enough, incapable of spiritual discernment, and that we need their guidance, discipleship, steps, formulas, discipline, and accountability to draw closer to God and keep Him there, lest we err and block the gleam of God’s eyes and summon the withdrawal of His favor.
They told us that if you are a woman, you’re hopelessly inferior to men and incapable of the same leadership, discernment, value, and authority as they.
They told us to prequalify people for love, abandon our LGBTQ children, and believe that they have the one and only true faith—a faith that God exclusively approves and ordains to take control of all of society, at any cost.
They told us that the Bible is the perfect Word of God, church is our home, the world is the enemy, they know all the answers, and we should never think or believe without them.
They told us that Jesus is a warrior, God is a Republican, progressives are going to hell, and racism is best served with “thoughts and prayers.”
They substituted trust with fear, Grace with conditions, inclusion with exclusion, divine affirmation with divine wrath, equality with privilege, social justice with selfish selfishness, peace with violence, integrity with hypocrisy, the Gospel with self-righteousness, and Jesus with the devil.
They deconstructed us all like Chauvin’s knee on George Floyd’s neck, spiritually policing the life out of us.
Make no mistake, everything that white, conservative Evangelicalism touches is deconstructed into ashes.
For we are the deconstructed.
We are the deconstructed.
I repeat, we are the deconstructed.
It’s not something we do or can do, it’s who we are.
That’s why there is no “deconstruction,” there can only be “resurrection.” And the difference between the two is cosmos-quaking and life changing.
It’s resurrection.
It’s the moment, like Lazarus in the tomb, that we hear and respond to the call of Jesus screaming from within our soul to, “get the hell out of there!” “You’re alive, you’re good, you’re whole, you’re holy, you’re secure, you’re saved!” “Always have been, always will be!”
It’s resurrection.
The moment that the Light within us breaks free and pushes away the stone, kicks over tables, and shakes the conservative Evangelical dust off our feet.
It’s resurrection.
Yet, like Lazarus, there’s a holy and sacred process of being unwrapped from the conservative Evangelical burial clothes that long entombed us and covered from our eyes all that was and is good about God, ourselves, and the world around us.
It’s resurrection, not deconstruction.
One bandage, one shroud at a time. Unraveling the layers of brainwashing, condemnation, and hate that strangled us.
It’s resurrection, not deconstruction.
One lie, one half-truth, one fear at a time. Peeling away the twisted images we believed about God, ourselves, and all of humanity.
It’s resurrection, not deconstruction.
The revealing and reclaiming of our true self, the good that was already there and already enough.
Scales being resurrected away.
Learning to breathe anew, learning to believe anew.
Learning to love anew, learning to be loved anew.
Learning to know ourselves, love ourselves, and be ourselves anew.
It’s resurrection, not deconstruction.
We were always beautiful, always loved, always affirmed, always included, always secure, forever and forever.
It’s resurrection, not deconstruction.
For we once were the deconstructed.
But now, we are the resurrecting.
The difference is night and day, and that’s why I’m walking away.
Second, “deconstruction” is just another spiritual treadmill.
It’s hard to say, but I believe it to be true.
Please hear me well, yet again. I deeply love all my “deconstruction” friends. I love all “deconstruction” people, and I desire no conflict with you. We are all taking a journey of faith.
Yet, I can’t deny nor hide what I’m seeing. So much of “deconstruction” has largely become conservative Evangelicalism wrapped in shiny new “progressive” paper. It has all the Evangelical components. Do this, don’t do that. Study this, read that. Try this, try that. Attend this, pray for that. Quote this Scripture over here, use this commentary over there. Listen to this podcast here, go to this conference there. It’s all so Evangelicky.
Much of “deconstruction” isn’t about working out a God-driven “resurrection” from within that reveals and reclaims who we are, who God truly is, and seeing the world anew. Instead, it’s about a human-driven effort to “reconstruct” ourselves, “reconstruct” our faith, and “reconstruct” God. What is Jesus rolling away Evangelical stones from around our soul, “deconstruction” has turned into a human effort to tumble down walls through “better” exegesis and “better“ creeds.
It’s just conservative, Evangelical, performance-driven, behavior-management, belief-conforming religion with progressive make-up plastered on.
Truly, I mean no disrespect and desire no harm, but the term “deconstruction” reduces a holy, sacred, miraculous, and Spirit-driven process into a journey of human effort, steps, and measurements.
In fact, I have never had so many people reach out to me in tears when they began to see their journey away from conservative Evangelicalism as a sacred-centered “resurrection” and not just a human-centered “deconstruction.” For them the pressure was removed, the divine was revealed, the process was given room to breathe, and real, lasting change could emerge.
The difference is night and day, and that’s why I’m walking away.
Third, many progressive “deconstruction” voices have turned a holy, sacred, and miraculous process into a monetized program of profiting sages pimping their books, talks, conferences, and ministry empires.
It’s all so triggering. It’s like going backwards instead of moving forward. Not just going backwards, but even worse, it feels like a falling from Grace.
I’ve even heard the idea of starting a “deconstruction” worship service.
What’s next, a “deconstruction” Bible?
I’m reminded of Joshua’s “stones of remembrance” described in the Old Testament. It is said that God instructed that they be placed to remind the people of Israel entering into the Promised Land to never go back to the slavery of Egypt. God knew that some would actually not be satisfied with the Promised Land and would either want to return or try to have one foot in both worlds.
Sadly, I fear this is already happening. Much of “deconstruction” has taken on the empire-building, franchising, profiteering, legalism, churchiness, and religiosity of Egypt and brought them into the progressive Promised Land of “resurrection.”
The telling of “resurrection” stories has been polluted with ”deconstruction” to-do steps.
Listening to the mind of Christ within has been polluted with intellectualism, “new” biblical scholarship, “woke” exegesis, and the wisdom of wise “deconstruction” sages.
The self-revelation of “resurrection” has been polluted with the self-improvement of “deconstruction.”
Jesus’ statement, “You have heard it said, but I say unto you” has been polluted into a “deconstruction” call to somehow read the Bible in front of you better, instead of a call to read the mind of Christ within you better.
One reveals the real you through “resurrection” and the other tries to change you, through you, through your “deconstruction.”
For me, the difference is night and day, and that’s why I’m walking away.
Fourth, it’s easy for Evangelicals to dismiss and condemn “deconstruction.”
Why? Because it’s filled with human effort. And human effort always and eventually breaks down.
It’s so easily criticized, and perhaps, rightly so. Why? Because it all boils down to their opinion versus ours. Their interpretation versus ours. Their understanding versus ours. Their beliefs versus ours. Their mind, versus ours. Their scholarship versus ours..
Yet, how much more difficult is it to discount, disarm, and disqualify a person’s “resurrection?”
How much more difficult is it to discount, disarm, and disqualify a community’s “resurrection?”
A resurrection that begins and ends through and with the power of God alone.
A resurrection that is ”worked out,” and not “worked on.”
A resurrection that flows like a river welling up from within, not franchised like a business.
A resurrection that is an experience, not an exegesis.
It’s far more difficult, I would say.
Because the difference is night and day, and that’s why I’m walking away.
But not without leaving some suggestions for the “deconstruction” movement, if you would allow me…
1) Consider not calling it “deconstruction.”
2) No more steps, only stories. Tell your story, and let that be enough.
3) Refrain from enabling “deconstruction” consumerism, conformity, and gated community.
4) Take the needle out of your veins of becoming or being a “deconstruction” sage and building a ministry empire.
5) Be a team player. Value all voices, not just your own.
Grace is brave. Be brave.
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